Meditation

I don't do this as often as I would like. But today while meditating and getting flash backs-it was so easy to let go and release hidden issues. I was like traveling in time going further and further into the darkness. I know that life is really twisted and jumbled because of what people have done to it. When I'm in this mind set, everything is so clear. I can see what life is really for. I want to be at this place. I want to grow more towards the holistic aspect of life. It brings such a gently peace to my body and mind. I wish I could find a job doing this all day. lol. I understand that the outside world must be taken care of before entering an environment of which is restful. I must take care of the worldly needs in order to survive. Unfortunately. But at least I know. At least I know that it is what it is. Investing in what life really has to offer and blocking out all of these negative atmospheres and people that are dragged me down. It's difficult. But doable. Life is all about change and creation. I will be that...and I will enjoy it. Erin

Fresh Air

About to head to bed but as usual i have a lot on my mind. I just really feel that my anxiety has really gone down and i decided against any sort of medication. Which im glad i have now that im doing so well. I havent been focusing on anything negative since my new out look on life is that there is only negative when you dwell on things and not take in what is really important in this world. People are so miserable around me 24/7. I dont want to be like that. We never know when we are gonna go and we never know whats waiting for us. There is no reason to be negative about something you cantchange. Taking one day at a time and making the best of what i have and not comparing myself to others. In the end none of this matters. I dont want to look back and question my existance. Anyways im tired. Erin

Renewal

There is so much going through my mind atm. This past couple of days were refreshing when you realize that there are others in this world that struggle as i do. And they are fighting the battle and winning. Today i just relaxed after coming home from an exhausting trip upstate...wedding. Being involved in lots of activities sorrounded by people who i dont know. There was a couple of times during the weekend where i just wanted to give up and go home. I wanted to give up on everything and wish the world would end so i wouldnt have to suffer this anymore. But i fought through it and learned a lot about myself and under estimating others... I dont like giving people and situations a chance in the event that something goes terribly wrong. You stand still in that frame of mind though and discontinue any progress and refused to move forward. I have set some goals for myself for the next couple of months. I want to live life and not work my self up about the past or present... Anyways im still trying to reset my body time clock since its still out of wack. Going to bed. EC

Everything will be ok in the end...

We have no control over what is our destiny...
scratch that....that sounds retarded

We are in control of everything, but it's our weaknesses and fears that hold us back

Corner Rooms

It's never enough and always something that I strive for. Life as we know it now a days is just diminished into a vague state of mind. It's not like anyone around me knows what they are doing either, even when they pretend to be. The masks are permanent and cracking through my viewing glass. And it makes me smile. I want to unravel down the hill of flames to only keep hitting rocks on on the bottom. No matter how many times that cloth is ripped, dirty and blood spilt I can't seem to stitch it all up.
I can't seem to mend these seams I keep fucking tripping on. I know what I'm "suppose" to do. I don't want to be like you, your mother and daughter. Holding on to hope that isn't there. Holding out for that good old American Dream. Lying to my family about how they can be anything they dream to be. False hopes, false identity and false life.
Negativity. This is not negative.  It's truth. I'm still going to fight for what I believe and deserve in this life whom other get without trying and of course don't deserve.

I feel so cheated. I feel so lost when it comes to what this all means. This is why people go to God. They go to an all being that seems to fix everything once you "know" him. Once you say sorry everything just goes away. I have been through this realm of life. It really disillusioned all the issues that I was having and didn't fix shit. Just made me forget about it until I realized you are out there a lone. And have to do it for yourself. If there was a God. I doubt he would care what kind of praises or prayer you send him.

 I don't want to care, but it's not in my being to not care.
Sometimes I just want to disappear. I don't find this a weakness...I don't know how you could. I can't force it out like everyone wants.
Alright I'm done thinking

Erin